Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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