My first STD was from a foam party
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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