normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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