I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
