We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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