I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
