she told me i tasted like america
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
