Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
