my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
