Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Is Oprah even human
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
