youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
