How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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