Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
