my mouth tastes like poor choices
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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