why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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