They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He felt like a one man threesome
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
