Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
