other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
