The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
