i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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