Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
