You just made me feel so damn special
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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