I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
