I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.�
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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