New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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