I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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