I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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