I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
