Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
