I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
