its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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