So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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