My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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