captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
