oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He passed out mid-signature
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
