I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
