I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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