I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I think i peed on brittanys purse
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
