well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
