Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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