when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
