I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
