2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
