We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
