i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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