Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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