your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
