I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
