Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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