I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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