I'm going to jail i love you
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
